I'll never be able to...what if I can't...I wish I could...what if I try and fail miserably...what if I went to college...I wish I had more confidence...I wish I knew how to...

These are a few questions and statements I ask and make to myself on a daily basis.  I know I'm not the only person who thinks and says these things.  So, I'm going to do my best to encourage myself and anyone else who may deal with this same thing. 

This is what I have going on:  Back in 2005 we sold our plumbing & heating business, which my husband, Craig opened in 1986.  Although we were making decent money and were able to pay our bills, there was a huge headache which came with the territory.  These headaches came in the form of: Staying ahead of jobs, not being able to keep decent employees around, trying to get customers to pay us after the works is completed.  Craig is currently working at a terrific company which provides us with great health insurance, dental insurance and a decent paycheck.  However, we aren't making enough to keep ahead of our bills.  We had discussed in the past that once the kids were in school full-time, I would be able to find a job to help out. 

Recently, Craig and I spoke to a lady who is a manager of a local retail store.  We were told that evenings were available - this way, we could have a parent home while the kids were home.  After I filled out an application, Craig's company was awarded a huge job up north, this changed some of our plans.  I talked with the manager, informing her of this change.  I let her know that it would be fantastic to be able to work "mom hours".  Basically, an 8:30 to 2:30 schedule.  I was called in for an interview which went so well, however, when we got to the discussion over hours, I was told that the schedule was just all over the place.  It was an uncertain thing from day to day.  That opportunity just got flushed down the toilet. 


Bummer.

Another day I was at a different retail store and noticed this huge pile of clothes on this register that an employee was working on.  I asked her right out - "Hey! Are you currently hiring?" The lady responded that she just had word that there were positions opened because there were high-school students returning to school.  FABULOUS!  So, I marched right up to fill out an application....on a computer....in the store.... uuuummm...do I talk to someone?  Do I just fill this bad boy out and send it off into cyberspace??  Do I wait for a call?  Do I call? Do I walk in and ask?  Well, after a few days I decided to call to talk to someone.  I ended up leaving a message for God knows who and didn't receive any return calls.  To me, that's a "no". 

More discouragement.


Back in March of this year, a friend of mine who knows that I enjoy writing, (how much I'm not sure) made a suggestion of trying my hand at grant writing.  I know my family has read my TV show reviews in another blog I have: In My Fabulous Opinion.  I love writing reviews when I have the opportunity... anyway.... this suggestion stemmed from an idea of helping our private school grow.  She and I attended a meeting where she expressed her ideas for the for the school...one of which...was the grant writing.  My hope was to do a little grant writing in exchange for a break on my children's tuition.  I even signed up for and took and passed a grant writing course.  With the research I've done on it...there's good money to be made in writing grants!!  The meeting we had had absolutely NO feedback whatsoever - that was a bust, not only for me, but for the school.  Not a complete bust mind you.  This Summer, I knew that the school librarian was hoping for an updated encyclopedia set.  Due to certain circumstances, I knew I was going to need to take this on myself.  I did, and was awarded a grant for about $1,000 to purchase a new 2010 set of encyclopedias...that was a little boost to my confidence.  UNFORTUNATELY, that was a short-lived boost.  Just like any other organization, there are issues which are there to bite you in the butt. 


More discouragement.


Another opportunity I THOUGHT was going to be great open door was to do a little bookkeeping for our school.  I thought this is GREAT!  A chance to make a pittance, make money for the school and keep my children enrolled!  Win-win-win? Yeah. No.  I was informed that they didn't want to hire me because I have kids in the school.  Just like the person who used to do it....and like the person who is doing it now.  smh...whatever. 


This same friend of mine works for a local non-profit agency...she gave the guy my name and number and we set up a meeting.  Unfortunately, the guy really didn't have a plan...nor did he have a tax-exempt certificate.  Sooooo... let's just say, more-than-likely a no-go.


Frustration.



Recently, I had another friend tell me that there is always a need at the YMCA for substitutes. FABULOUS! I ran over and filled out an application, this time feeling super-confident. I've been playing a fierce game of telephone-tag with the girl who does the hiring.  Sooooo... it was email time!!  While writing the email, I decided to plant an idea!  YMCA, non-profit, many programs, always needs funding...what better thing to do but plant a bug!!!  Once the email with the bug was sent, doubts and fears started entering my mind... What if I am asked to write grants, but can't get any...what if they decide I'm a screw-up?


I don't think I'll know the answers to that one...the bug was sent out last week and haven't heard anything yet...just like that retail store.  Off into cyberspace never to be seen of again. 


In the past, I've expressed these thoughts/fears to my big sister.  She told me that "What if" is always a lie.  I'm going to have to take her word on that one.  I just wish I had more confidence in myself.  I wish I had nerve to just post that I want to start doing this, but I have no nerve. 


Stay tuned.